Bats on Campus are Vacationing Vampires


David Mruz, Staff Writer

Dear readers,

You’ve seen them. They are in your ceilings when you study, abounding in your skies when you sleep, and plotting schemes of ill will when you practice and perform in the music halls. They are the little plague birds that crawl from the black heart of the earth in its darkest throes and the cherubs of pestilence. I’m of course talking about the bats, and of their true nature.

Perhaps you’ve heard tales of the bat. You took comfort in the creature’s blindness, and in your blindness you did not consider these bringers of evening maladies to have more to their being than you could fathom. The bats of our campus are not simply creatures of pox, but the dark servants of death itself. They are what are known on the farthest reaches of our European enlightenment traditions as the Nosferatu: vampires.

Set all your Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyer aside, they do not love you, you are not their personal brand of hero or heroine, they have no souls, and your happiness is their greatest inconvenience. It seems likely they have come for two reasons. The first is that the violence in Ukraine has both increased their power and endangered their homes, so they have come to a place where old moldy buildings and humid springtime temperatures best represent their homely lairs of the East. The second is they are also known they like to congregate in the Pondo field on weekends.

Lucky for you, dear reader, based on my Eastern European bloodline and the traditions that have been passed down as a result, I can tell you how to stay safest on Clinton’s dark nights.

1. Don’t go home with anyone you don’t recognize.  That one should be a given.

2. If you photobomb a group selfie and you’re the only person who appears in the picture, you are surrounded and there is no hope for you. Don’t photobomb group selfies.

3. Always carry salt on you. Salt circles have always been an ancient form of creativity when taking precautions against vampires, so feel free to send the Blue Stocking your best salt circle drawings.  Do not take all the salt out of GDH, because that salt belongs to Miss Yolanda. Do not invoke her terrible wrath.

4. I read in an ancient text that vampires can’t enter a dorm unless they’re invited in. This would make sense back in times when righteous monks primarily inhabited dorms. For your safety, say the Lord’s Prayer before you let anyone into your dorm who claims to have “left their key inside.”

5. Only vampire hunters can kill vampires, so don’t go looking for them.

6. If you think you might be a vampire hunter, you’re not. It’s a special ancient fellowship thing that only vampire hunters know about. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be that guy.

7. Do not break into Richardson at night to try and gather mercury. Quicksilver only works on werewolves when properly prepared by Dutch apothecaries. You are not a Dutch apothecary, and these are vampires, not werewolves. Also stealing is wrong, but I felt like we already went over that with Miss Yolanda’s salt. Just be a citizen who respects other people’s property.

These tips will help you until we effectively deal with the vampires on campus.  It is still likely that the vampires have brought other dark creatures with a completely different set of weaknesses.  The most certain thing we can ever hope to truly know is that some things will always remain unknown. Even now as you sit in the comforting glow of your computer or your mobile device, keystrokes away from any answer, can you not fathom what powers beyond your comprehension have converged within your neighborhood or your dormitory? Do your best to accept your lot in what you can know as a human.

The night is dark and full of shadows.

Good night, and good luck, dear reader.