A late-afternoon Friday email from Provost Raber confirmed what many had long feared to be true: Faculty are to be replaced by androids. “Face it, they’re cheaper and less whiny than what we have now,” commented Raber in an exclusive interview with The Bluestocking.

While faculty vowed to show data-driven evidence that their whininess was blown “way, way, way” out of proportion, students received yet another freebie from the college–an Android Users Manual (PDF version only; $50 for the print version).

Junior Becca Sorenson expressed dismay that the college was jumping onto yet another techno-bandwagon rather than focusing on the fundamentals. But her roommate Jenny Snow remains far more sanguine: “At least we’ll be able to text in class. And the Android on the front of my Users Manual? Total Hotty!!!”

The Android invasion is set for the start of classes, Fall 2014.