WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS THE COMPLETE, 100%, UNDENIABLE TRUTH
Reader discretion is strongly advised, as once you discover the content, there will be no going back from this. You will be changed. You will be watched. Most of all, things will never be the same again. However, you all deserve to know the truth and be warned of the dangers up ahead.
I’m currently in hiding as of right now, as they are searching for me as we speak. I’ve had to resort to a very elaborate and college-educated alias to stay one step ahead, and barely just. Do not try to find me. For my safety… and yours.
Two last things to remember before you proceed.
- Once you’re finished, tell nobody anything. But pass on the message.
- Immediately perform the Secret Dance exactly 3 times as listed below to ward off any suspicion of you reading this article.
This is not a joke. The last person who didn’t, well, let’s just say they won’t be skipping anything anytime soon. It started slow, but soon they only spoke in riddles, walked with their heads in the clouds, and for some strange reason, whenever they used a microwave, the food was always 10 seconds too cold. They had a bright future once. A family. Even a dream. Now, they constantly hum elevator music to muffle out the strange sounds in their heads while consuming PopCorners with pickled ginger to drown their sorrows.
Even now, you’re being monitored. They know you’re here. It’s not too late to leave while you’re still here. You still have a chance to turn back.
Last chance to go before your fate is sealed in 3… 2… 1
My name is Rasasi Mohammad. I was once like you guys. A student full of hopes and dreams. A guy ready to take on the world one day at a time with the power of science. I was set to gain more knowledge and earn my degree and thereby get to work on saving the world as a whole. Though it was a massive undertaking, I saw fit to rise to the challenge. I was just a tad nervous, though, as college life means new people and, more importantly, new science professors.
What would they be like? Are they nice? Understanding? Fair? So many questions bounced around in my head, but I calmly assured myself that the professors wouldn’t be that hard to deal with. They’re people, right?
Oh, how wrong I was!
I soon found out they were… pretty normal, all things considered. They were very chill, very friendly, and extremely knowledgeable in their fields. Though I had a nagging suspicion in the back of my mind as time went by in classes. I started noticing odd behaviors in them. For starters, they were too good at their jobs. Most professors I met before Presbyterian seemed like they were going through the motions in teaching their students, but these seemed a little too invested in teaching their students. A little obsessed, to be honest, with the work starting to pile up and the test suddenly getting harder and harder to do.
Second of all, there were the students. When we first started our class, not everyone seemed to be interested in the lectures. You know the type—the ones that just sit there, half-distracted, barely taking notes, with one eye on their phone and the other on the clock, just waiting for class to be over. But within the weeks, they suddenly were invested in everything the class had to offer, to the point it became all they could think about. I even heard them discussing the classes outside of the classroom, from GDH to even the gym. Call me crazy, but they even seemed a bit… controlled.
One thing that immediately caught my eye was that they even started to look different. From bright and full of energy, ready to start the day, to tired, lethargic shells of themselves. Their eyes grew heavier, their smiles fading away. It seemed like all of the joy was sucked right out of them, and all they properly thought about was how well they did on their lab exams and whether they had the correct formulas on their note cards. Something. Wasn’t. Right. Something was draining them of all their personality. And, scarily enough, I’ve started feeling the signs myself.
Now, could it just be stress and the fact that I haven’t slept in 36 hours? Probably. However, you know what they say. Conspiracies are 99% truth and 1% speculation, which some people call truth without facts that people claim are coincidences. The truth is staring at us right in the face, but most are too busy—or too scared—to see it.
Think about it: What if everything happening here—the exhaustion, the obsession, the sudden shift in personality—isn’t just a bunch of stressed-out students? What if it’s part of a bigger picture? Something bigger. Something deeper. Something darker. A system designed to pull us in and not let us go without losing a piece of ourselves.
I’ve decided to investigate even further. I’ve looked into all my science professors, and I’ve noticed a pattern when talking to them and asking them general questions about something going on or about the changes going on with the students. They laughed it off with a casual, dismissive tone that seemed rehearsed, like they knew I was about to ask them and already had the answer ready to tell me.
However, something felt off with their looks at me every time I left their office. They smile at me. Not just any smile, though—it was a wry, sardonic smile that sent chills down my spine, giving off a bit of a warning before they turned away and laughed mockingly, like they were in on a joke that I’m not in on. That night, I felt the conditions worse than ever when I started to get the creeping realization of what had been going on the whole time.
What if… the science professors aren’t just professors? What if they’re secretly draining intelligence and joy? What if they’re using our abilities to further their agenda of being the best professors in South Carolina? And silencing anyone who suspects that something is off. What if, by the time someone realizes it, they’re already too late?
As soon as I had the realization, I wasn’t the same ever again. I felt like suddenly everyone was watching me, all nice and friendly, but expecting, like they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to slip up. I’ve kept up with the facade at first to throw the professors off, but I feel like they’re starting to suspect me. As time went by, things got tenser as I carried this secret inside my head, knowing that if I shared it out loud, either no one would believe me, or I would be silenced before anyone got the chance to. However, if I don’t do something soon, I’ll be stuck living the rest of my college life studying and earning high grades and graduating at the top of my class on the way to pharmacy school just like they want. Which, admittedly, sounds pretty cool, but at what cost?!
As I am typing up this final draft, I feel like they’re starting to close in on me, and there’s almost nowhere to run. Sooner or later, they might catch me. But if I’m going down, I’m taking them with me. I refuse to be another cog in their intellectual machine.
This is why I implore you right now, as my final act of defiance, to read through this secret file that I’m presenting to the BlueStocking as an April Fools joke meant for fun and laughs, but to spread the message among our fellow peers. But remember never to ever utter a single word that comes from here; otherwise, they’ll come for you and turn you into another one of their intellectual servants.
Remember. Be smart; be vigilant.
And for the love of all that is good in this universe, do the dance.
Dance Instructions:
It’s a well-known fact that science professors don’t suspect people when they’re dancing. To avoid suspicion, you must perform the Secret Dance immediately after reading this message. Failure to do so may result in… well, let me hear the symptoms in the beginning. It’s not pretty. Your GPA might also skyrocket, and we can’t have that…
- Spin one full rotation three times. Not too fast, or they’ll think you’re onto something.
- Stomp five times with confidence. Like you own the place and that you are still in control.
- Clap two times. Once is not enough. Three times is too suspicious
- Say, in a low, knowing voice, “The test… is over.”
Disclaimer: The intended purpose of this article is to celebrate April Fools’ Day. All the information from this article is false and written to be humorous.
