The Truth* of the Emergency Alert System

The Truth* of the Emergency Alert System

David Mruz, Staff Writer

On November 9th 2011, the president of the United States will have a nationwide test of the Emergency Alert System (EAS).  This is the system that allows for the quick transmission of warnings to viewers and listeners of television and radio in the event of natural disasters and other such catastrophes.  The EAS has never been used or tested on a national scale, an oddity being ten years into the War on Terror and at the acme of the Information Age.  The system is capable of broadcasting a presidential speech across the airwaves to every television and radio in ten minutes time.  A test of this system would seem to be a sound decision made by any leader.  However, according to several moles inside the Federal Communication Commission (FCC), the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), and the International Department of Unidentified Nations, Networks, and Organizations (IDUNNO), this alleged test holds a more significant albeit covert purpose than what President Obama would like you to think.  All of these events will occur simultaneously on November 9th.

FCC:  On November 9th a broadcast of the single greatest music video would be played across the United States.  The song in question is Rebecca Black’s “Friday”.  However, it is not the song that has upset the FCC, but this cover’s performers.  The confirmed performers as of now are listed here:  John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson (the real one) and Tupac Shakur.  Those exposed to the music video reported having an optimistic and hopeful outlook on the world and were alleged to be holding the eve of weekends in high regard.  The mole existence was discovered and his cover was compromised shortly before he could provide an explanation for the FCC’s choice in covering up the airing of this music video.  President Obama’s teleprompter was hacked in search of a reason for this censorship, the response was, “no comment.”

FEMA:  Seismic activity around the San Andreas Fault in recent months has been reported to be the result of mass gopher migration across the fault.  The gophers have been described as “fierce and belligerent” by one zoologist.  What is the reason for this sudden migration?  The theory held by most zoologists is that there is a correlation between this exodus and the release of Caddyshack in gopher markets last month.  Following their routes, it appears they are going to storm the actor Bill Murray’s manor for reasons unknown to us.  When a gopher was asked, he replied, “Chirp, chirp, whistle, whistle.” The gophers’ movement may cause the state of California to fall into the ocean, wiping out Hawaii in a resulting tidal wave.  FEMA’s response to the impending catastrophe was to request a cover up due to the entirety of their personnel being on two week’s vacation.  If you are in either the state of Hawaii or California and you are reading this, I would like to thank you for supporting Blue Stocking News.

IDUNNO:  In response to the G20 summit in Cannes, France, the Illuminati and the nation of Atlantis will host a summit of their own on November 9th. They have planned to invite the Royal Guild of Yetis and other representatives of the Arctic Circle to discuss the endangerment of polar bears.  One reporter responded by saying, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.” The summit will also hold a hearing on whether or not the thawing out of Walt Disney from cryogenic sleep should be the next step towards world peace.  Since IDUNNO is entirely indifferent towards the global impact this revelation might cause, the president has scheduled his testing of the EAS during the broadcasting of this summit.

*This Article is in its entirety a piece of fiction.  If you think this music video exists, I would like to apologize for disappointing you.  If you think California is threatened by gophers, take a deep breath and relax.  If you think the Illuminati would be daft enough to make their presence known, you know too much and at the same time not enough.