Thanks to the ever helpful results of the recent student surveys, the Office of Community Life and Campus Police are teaming up to provide “the next big thing” to students who frequent fraternity court. With the current wristband situation being described as “boring”, “trite”, and “downright unfair to arm hair”, PC officials embarked on a quest to discover a new means of policing the weekend festivities.

After allocating a great deal of resources towards much study and debate, the use of Chinese finger traps was agreed upon as the best method for maintaining proper supervision and regulation of the sometimes unruly crowd.

As they are impossible to escape from, the use of these finger traps will allow underage students the freedom to fully participate in the events of the night while ensuring they return to campus police to be “unlocked” before retiring for the evening. This will allow officials the opportunity to make certain everyone has a safe ride home from the party at the end of each night. Officials are hopeful that this ingenious apparatus will not only cut down on underage drinking but also put an end to all rumored promiscuity that may, but most likely does not, happen around campus.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are meant in jest and should not be taken seriously. All quotes should be assumed falsified and should not be held agains the alleged speaker. This article is part of the BlueStocking’s April Fools Holiday prank and does not necessarily reflect the direct views of Presbyterian College or of the BlueStocking Newspaper. Thanks for caring enough to read the disclaimer. Merry belated April Fools to you, kind sir!