You would think the life of a duck on PC’s campus would be one of luxury with listless days spent perusing the hazardous lake and contemplating life’s more enigmatic issues, but leave it to those that have everything to find something to complain about.

It was recently brought to the attention of the BlueStocking that the local ducks and geese that swarm the lower half of PC’s campus have taken up arms in protest of the quality of food at our beloved GDH. One goose, for example, had the audacity to declare that “the bread is stale, the fries are soggy, and the cookies all taste like oranges!” As if orange cookies were a bad thing …

You may be wondering how our feathered foes have even tasted such treats from this well respected establishment. There is no other explanation than to place blame in the laps of students and faculty who clearly care so much about these beguiling beasts that they risk life and limb to smuggle precious food from the confines of our only eatery.

Not only do these creatures harass students by creating sidewalks more difficult to navigate than an adversary’s minefield, they then have the impudence to raise cane over the illegally trafficked delicacies that students so sacrificially bequeath to them. Well, excuse us for not all being illustrious ornithologists and having the sixth sense needed to know your desires.