Zombies at PC: It’s Not Just Finals


Maggie Holly, Staff Writer

Finals week is fast approaching, as are the bleary eyes and blank stares that accompany it.  Zombie jokes abound.  But what if zombies really did take over PC? How does one survive?

  1. Get a dog. No, really. Get a dog. What’s that? No pets in the dorms? It doesn’t matter.  The people who make rules like that don’t make it past the first 30 minutes of the movie. Get a dog.  Preferably not a Pomeranian, but sometimes you just gotta do you.
  2. Stock up on food and water.  I mean, more microwavable mac and cheese and granola bars than you can imagine.  Trust me, when the zombie apocalypse hits, your meal plan is the first thing to go.
  3.  Stay inside at all costs. Stop going to class. Finals shminals, this is the end of the world.
  4. Get some decent shoes.  Your survival might require a significant amount of walking at some point, and your UGGs will only get you so far.  Also, your UGGs are the cause of the zombie apocalypse in the first place.  Burn them now before it’s too late.  The fate of humanity rests in your shoes.
  5. Find a decent flashlight.  Eventually the power will go and you will (God forbid) no longer be able to charge your iPhone.  Without your handy-dandy flashlight/GPS/calorie counter/camera, you’ll have to revert back to positively ancient methods of survival, like flashlights and maps. Which brings us to our next point….
  6. Learn to read a map.  Seriously.  This is not a drill. This is not your family vacation.  Your family is probably zombified by now and your phone is dead.  Buy a decent road map, and possibly a trail map.  The woods might be the safest place soon.
  7. Don’t trust anyone.  If your suitemate texts you an invite to get coffee in Springs, do NOT go.  The zombies could be more intelligent than we feared. No, actually, the coffee may be a good idea.  You’ve got to stay vigilant.
  8. Find a group of survivors and stick together.  It’s probably best if none of them mean all that much to you. The problem with trying to stick with your friends is that eventually, one of you will get eaten, and that just involves lots of tears and unnecessary time-wasting.  It’s better to stick with a random, but balanced, group.  The super-smart kid in your biology lab.  The funny kid you ate lunch with that one time whose name you can never remember.  A couple of random girls who are there for no apparent reason and who almost get everyone killed every 15 minutes.  A guy you swear you’ve never seen on campus in your life who claims to be in your English class. (On second thought, this one’s a little suspicious.  Maybe avoid him.)
  9. Get in decent physical shape.  Take martial arts. It may already too late for this.  Zombies can be pretty quick, though, so start jogging…now.
  10. Get a sturdy backpack and fill it with all your gear.  Warm clothes, food and water, and any survival gear you may have should be packed.
  11. Make for the woods.  Gather up your gear and your team and hit the road. Campus is no longer safe.
  12. Cry about it. There’s nothing else you can do.

Of course, in these situations, there’s only so much you can do. Close your eyes and hope for the best. (But don’t really close your eyes. Constant vigilance!)

Disclaimer: It really is just finals.