Board of Trustees Quit; “Campus Lost Cause”

April Fools, Staff Writer

The entire Board of Trustees have resigned today over alumni’s repeated blockage of changes to Presbyterian College’s campus.

“The campus is a lost cause,” explained one anonymous Trustee when asked why they quit. “We tried to knock down Doyle Hall, and alumni stopped us. We tried to put central heating in Douglass, and alumni stopped us. We tried to make Georgia not smell, and alumni stopped us!” they said.

Class of 1964 alum Howard, or more commonly known by his nickname, “How,” Dovetouch, has been one of the most vocal opponents of the recent changes. On his official Facebook page, “LilyisaLoser,” he states that he wishes “to preserve the history and image of Presbyterian College and protect it from those who would defile it.”

“What Lily doesn’t understand is that PC is perfect the way it is,” Mr. Dovetouch said in an exclusive interview with the BlueStocking.

“Doyle’s state of decay is essential to PC’s history. Many alumni have very found memories of nearly freezing in Douglass during the winter. And Georgia’s disgusting odors are part of what makes PC, PC! We need a president who respects this and will do nothing to change anything, ever,” he went on to say.

Another Trustee member, who also wished to remain unnamed, said, “Before we announced we might knock it down, no one could have cared less about Doyle.”

Attempts to reach Mr. Dovetouch or other alumni to respond to this accusation have so far been unsuccessful.