I did it so you don’t have to. I watched 50 Shades of Grey.

If you’re thinking of going to see it, let me say it right now: This money wasn’t worth seeing for free. In fact, it may not even have been worth getting paid to see.

The plot of 50 Shades goes like this: Anastasia Steele, a cardboard cutout that somehow managed to pull out a 4.0 GPA and graduate college meets Christian Grey, another cardboard cutout that’s also an entrepreneur who runs a mysterious organization named Grey Enterprises whose employees all have to wear some shade of grey. Ana falls for Christian and Christian for Ana, but soon the conflict of the movie appears: Christian is only interested in BDSM and has no interest in a “normal” relationship.

Before tearing this movie apart, there is one thing that it should be praised for. As far as I’m aware, this is the first time that a relationship revolving around BDSM has been released to such a favorable reception. Ignoring the fact that the BDSM depicted is actually incredibly vanilla (restraint and spanking is as far as this movie went), it’s a good thing that society as a whole seems to be opening up to more “alternative” styles of relationship, instead of the boring, standard missionary promoted in most movies.

Beyond that, there’s not much this movie did right. The two main characters are one dimensional and downright boring. There’s no character development between the opening scene and the closing scene, making it 125 minutes wasted on nothing at all. The dialogue is cringe-worthy and dull with the delivery making it even worse. Can Ana not speak above a whisper?

The biggest problem this movie has is this: Christian Grey is not a romantic. Christian Grey is not a representation of a typical dominant within the BDSM community.

Christian Grey is an abuser.

Christian shows multiple times throughout the movie that he wants Ana to cease to be her own person. Even before they sign a contract (which, again, never occurs in this movie) he tries to control her drinking, going so far as to show up at a bar where Ana was with her friends and taking her back to his hotel room. Later in the movie he steals and sells her car without asking and buys her a new car. When she is surprised and doesn’t want the unwanted and unasked for gift, he takes her back inside and spanks her.

Finally, the biggest red flag surrounding Christian Grey is his warped definition of consent. After stressing to Ana that he wouldn’t do anything with her without her written consent through the signing of a contract, he encourages her to come to her own conclusions and he’ll be okay with whatever choice she makes.

Except… he isn’t. Right after saying that, he reminds her of all the things he’s done for her that he absolutely wouldn’t do for anyone else. He then proceeds to text her multiple times, further pressuring her to hurry up and make her decision.  Finally, Ana texts him back, saying “Nice knowing you,” as she had decided against signing the contract.

Christian Grey then BREAKS INTO HER HOUSE.

There’s a lot more that could be said about this movie but that seems to cover the best parts of it. If you have seen this movie, you know the rest. If you haven’t seen this movie, don’t. Save your money and go see something else.