Is This a Joke?


Will Hobson, Staff Writer

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t exactly wear my heart on my sleeve. As such, it’s pretty rare for me to spill my secrets or to reveal even my most surface-level feelings, and on the rare occasion that I do, it comes as a complete surprise to my friends and me, especially.

However, Donald J. Trump has done the impossible, and every time I am reminded of his insufferable presence on the presidential stage, I want to shout from the rooftops that: “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

And this causes me to ask why I even care about the over-tanned, bombastic megalomaniac. After all, surely he can’t win? Surely no one takes him seriously? Surely it’s all just one big joke?

I am convinced that it’s got to be. It has to be. It cannot be anything but a joke. After all, serious presidential candidates don’t directly insult one of our closest allies, Mexico, by accusing them of covertly planning to send criminals and rapists across the border. Such a thing would be absurd!

Also, serious presidential candidates don’t try to imply that the President is a Muslim and not a citizen. Surely a real presidential candidate would want to uphold for themselves an aboveboard and rational demeanor. Doing the exact opposite would be absurd!

Yet somehow, despite all of the absurdity, 21 percent of all registered Republicans have convinced themselves through a stunning display of mental gymnastics that The Trump is a serious presidential candidate.

This is nothing short of amazing.

This means that 21 percent of Republican voters are willing to look past the fact that The Trump represents everything that the Republican Party is criticized for and made fun of. To be sure, Donald’s performances hail back to bad SNL skits that overemphasize Republican stereotypes of rich fat-cats who bathe themselves in their own narcissism and good-old fashioned racism. However, the thing is that these performances aren’t skits off of a late-night comedy show. The Caricature is real, and what’s scary is that people like him.

Now, I have been told that some people can stand to support the sentient cloud of ego because he has told them that he is a good businessman and that that’s what this country needs. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could be further from the truth. First of all, and this is just my opinion, I believe that “good business practices” are not usually characterized by four bankruptcies within 25 years, all of them folding because of head-spinning amounts of debt. Second of all, and this is just my opinion, running a business is completely different from running the most powerful nation in the world. All I know is that I’d much rather give control of over 4,700 nuclear warheads to a candidate who is well acquainted with international policy as opposed to someone who is known for a moderately successful TV show based on firing employees.

I have also been told that some people cheer for the ultimate dirtbag because for some insane reason they believe that he can return the GOP and the USA to their former glories. First of all, and this is just my opinion, the last thing the GOP needs is Donald Trump to be the RNC’s poster child. Republicans would immediately become the laughing stock of the nation. If you thought the jabs during the Bush administration were bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Second of all, and this is just my opinion, Trump’s insistence that he will make America great again is a baseless example of political grandstanding. Let me put it to you simply: America is still great. We still have the world’s largest economy, the world’s largest military, and our influence across the globe is unparalleled. If that suddenly does not count as great, then I must have the cognitive ability of a two-by-four.

But the fact is that I have no basis to make these pleas. I am no student of Political Science, and I share no great love for the political parties. However, there is one thing I do have. I have a great love for my fellow Americans. Because of this, I plead you to listen to what I have to say.

The Presidential office is a prestigious and influential institution in our country, and I’d rather move to Antarctica than be led by a belligerent, megalomaniacal Television Personality that possesses one of the most poisonous personalities I have ever seen. That is why I ask you to take this election seriously even if the candidates do not, and even if you still insist on voting for the mop-headed village idiot, I ask you to consider how great it is to live in a country where you can exercise your God-given right to throw your vote away.