PC was recently visited by one of the most highly reputable health and water inspectors in the Southeast, Dr. John Zoidberg. He spent his time on campus inspecting various dorms and educational buildings, as well as inspecting the water contamination of the fountain and the pond behind Spradley Hall.

Dr. Zoidberg noted that there were very few levels of toxic elements found on campus, except in Georgia Hall. His report lists that he found “high levels of toxicity throughout hallways and stairwells, with the highest levels being found in the elevator”. The other half of his report discovered that the so-called Goose Pond is one of the cleanest bodies of water in the state. My recommendation to any gentlemen who complain about the state of their living quarters is to pack up their things and move on out with the waterfowl.